Alert! Alert! Kellan Kyle’s Been Kidnapped!
We’re meeting Griffin at The Verizon Amphitheatre in St Louis, Missouri
Griffin gets Kellan to the car by asking him if he’ll go for a couple of drinks with him to wind down after their show………they’re heading out to the parking lot where they see Lori and Sam.
Kellan : “Hey ladies. Lori, good to see you again. What are you doing here?”
Lori: “Good to see you too Kellan. Nothing much, what are y’all up to?”
Sam: “Well Kellan Kyle, aren’t you just all kinds of hotness in the flesh – I could just eat him with a spoon!”
Kellan: “Ummm thanks Sam, Griff and I are just heading out for a couple of drinks”
Griffin: “Actually num nuts there’s been a slight change of plan”
Kellan sees what he thinks is his Chevelle in the parking lot – we’ve managed to get an exact replica of his baby – he’s not gonna be happy!!!
Kellan: “What the??!! Griffin, what the FUCK is my Chevelle doing here?”
They get to the car – Kellan is freaking OUT!
Griffin: “We had it shipped from Seattle. Thought you’d be missing it.”
Kellan: “She was all locked up tight, what the fuck were you thinking Griff?”
Griffin: “Quit your boo hooing and get in the car so we can go” (*winks at Lori*)
Sam: “Okay but before you go, can I give you a hug?”
Kellan walks towards Sam to give her a hug as she stumbles back and falls on her bottom.
Griffin trips Kellan who falls on top of Sam.
As he tries to gain some ground to get himself up Lori and Griffin each grab and arm and pull it behind his back and handcuff him
Kellan: “What the fuck?” (*glares at Griffin who is laughing his ass off*).
Griffin: “Pink fluffy handcuffs – hahaha they’re just right for ol’ boo hoo here!”
Sam : “I knew this was a bad idea because I didn’t get my fucking hug, at least he landed on top of me though – quick Lori, get a picture….that will drive Jenny crazy!” (*Lori and Sam are giggling just thinking about Jenny’s reaction*)
Lori: “Kellan will you hold still for like 5 seconds so I can take this picture”
Sam: “Pink fluffy handcuffs look hot on him. Kell you make everything hot”
We walk him over to the car while he struggles and when he sees who is in the back seat he stops……
Kellan: “Why the hell are there 3 blow up dolls in the back of my car”
Lori and Sam (*yell at the same time*) “Those are NOT blow up dolls… those are our friends!”
Griffin: “Fuck yeah, it’s an orgy.”
Kellan: “None of you are driving my baby”
Griffin: “Kell, grow some balls…besides, they’ll try and be gentle with her – can’t promise though”
Kellan “No fucking way, are any of you driving the Chevelle. Not happening.”
Lori: “I say we just knock him out and then Sam can take advantage of him.”
Sam: “Lori I’d want Kellan conscious if I were take advantage of him, but you know I can’t because Jenny would kill me.”
Kellan: There is no way any of you are driving my fuckin’ car!
Griffin: “Shut it Kell or we’ll have to knock you out”
Kellan “You know you’ll pay for this Griff!”
Lori: “Okay! I’ll drive first and Sam can take over when she’s finished fondling *ahem, sorry Jenny* gawping at Kellan – but first I need to give Griff a kiss goodbye….you know…to thank him properly and all that. (*winks at Sam and Kellan*) (*gives Griffin a huge kiss*)
Kellan & Sam both start coughing
Griffin: “Wow, Lori, didn’t expect you to use tongue, but the Hulk and I liked it”.
Lori: “Glad you liked it as much as me my little Hulkmeister, thank for your help and I’ll no doubt see you soon, if you know what I mean”
Kellan: “Tell Kiera I’ll see her………ummmm when will I be back by the way?
Griffin: “Don’t worry, I’ll explain to the old ball and chain where you are. Can’t wait to see the look on her face”
Kellan: “Kiera will have your balls for this Griff”
Lori: “She’ll understand when I explain it’s for Jenny – I think they formed a bond. She’ll be cool”
Griffin: “Have fun with Mr Buzzkill there. I would’ve been much more fun that fuckin’ buzz kill”
Lori: (*gives Griff another squeeze*) “I know you would be, but I have to do this for Jenny so she will finally quit pestering me about how I took advantage of my hugs and she didn’t get the chance. I’ll come kidnap you soon, unless you want to meet us in Chicago – I have spare handcuffs?” (*Plants another kiss on Griff before he can say anything and then walks away*)
We all get in the car – Kellan is going out of his mind about us driving his baby – if only he knew
Lori calls Jenny to tell her the good news.
Lori: “Guess who we have in the car?”
Jenny: “Knowing you Lori, it could be anyone………surprise me”
Sam: (*Yells out*) “You’ll never in a million years guess”
Jenny: (*Jokes and laughs* ) “Kellan Kyle?”
Lori “How the hell did you know?….wow! Your Kellan alarm is better than I thought.”
Jenny: “Wait!!! What!!!? What do you mean?”
Lori “We kidnapped Kellan. We’re bringing him to Chicago so you can grope him. You know you’ve never gotten over the fact you didn’t get to do it in that interview, well we’re gonna set things right”
Jenny: “You mean you really have Kellan…….OMG! Oh my freaking god!! Lori I could kiss you! I mean….ARE YOU CRAZY? You can’t just kidnap someone!!! Is he okay?”
Lori “Yeah, he’s just a little tied up at the moment” (Lori and Sam giggle)
Jenny “Okay, I’ll be here…..waiting….omg! I can’t believe you did that! For me! Look after him won’t you – keep that Sam away from him…I know she lusts after him in private, my Kellan alarm can sense it and she knows he’s mine!”
Lori: “You know I will babycakes… rest easy I will get your precious Kellan AND his baby to you in one piece”.
Jenny: “His baby? Lori, tell me you didn’t get the Chevelle too. He will do his nut!”.
Lori: (*snorts* “I love that saying! I had to make this as authentic as possible for you. Not only are you going to ride Kellan but you’ll get a ride in his baby too” (makes eye contact with Kellan and winks as he glares at her*)
Jenny: “I love you! Be safe and treat Kellan and his baby well or else.”
Lori: (turns the key the wrong way and the noise is awful) “Whoops, sorry about that Kellan” (if only he knew!)
Kellan: “I think I’m having a heart attack”
Sam: “Go a little easy on the car there Lori, old Kell here looks a bit green”
Kellan: “Thank you Sam, I could kiss you for that comment”
Sam: “Please do”
Kellan: “It was just an expression Sam”
Sam: “Damn – I will never give up trying hot stuff”
Lori: (*Rolls her eyes*)” Okay fine, I’ll go easy on his baby” (Puts it in gear and squeals the tires out of the parking lot)
Kellan: “Oh fuck Lori, you’re killing me here. Couldn’t we just go by bus? I’ll go quietly.”
Sam: “Sorry Kellan, I’m kinda liking seeing you all ‘cuffed up!! Wow Lori, it sort of sucks that we’re such good friends with Jenny cause I really want to take advantage of disadvantaged Kellan if you know what I mean”
Lori: “Oh I get ya buttercup, you’re only human. Go on, cop a quick feel while you can…..Jenny and Kiera will never know..what goes on tour and all that”.
Sam: “Yeah, besides Jenny is going to get her reward when we get to Chicago – it only feels right that I shouldn’t miss out. And you’re right, she’ll never know!”
Lori “Good thing she’s in Chicago waiting for us and her Kellan alarm is switched off.”
(Lori’s cell starts playing Milkshake by Kelis)
Jenny: “You so much as touch one JF hair on Kellan’s head and I will hurt you both! I mean it!!”
Lori: “Damn, she hung up before I could tell her to go grab a Vodka so she can relax for the next 5 hours”
Sam: “Are you serious? That was Jenny?”
Lori: “Yep, she was warning us off touching Kellan. Shoot I think she really DOES have a Kellan alarm”
Sam: “What in the ham fat?! How did she know! We’ve gotta do something about that Kellan alarm.”
Lori: “We better introduce you to our friends Kellan. Meet Luscious Leanne, Ho-larious Mollie and Generous Gitte. We’re taking them on a road trip to meet Jenny in Chicago”
Kellan “Lori, they’re blow up dolls”
Sam: “Shhhh, they’ll hear you”
Kellan: “I give up!”
Lori: “That’s it honey, just go with the flow”
Kellan “Griffin is a dead man”
Lori: “Yeah, but Jenny is going to be so excited. Not to mention Sam and I have already attempted to get you to come of your own free will but you turned us down. Let this be a lesson honey, never underestimate a determined woman.”
Kellan: “You do realize this is kidnapping. I thought you two were cool but I’m starting to have my doubts”
Lori: “We fucking ROCK Kellan, never doubt that… Look how much trouble Sam and I are going to just to make Jenny’s dream come true.”
Sam: “Right! We are awesome.”
Kellan: “Can you at least uncuff me and let me drive? You’re making me nervous because you’re a horrible driver.”
Lori and Sam (*at the same time*): “NoPe.”
Kellan: “FUCK LORI! Watch out for that Semi next to us. I don’t think I’m going to survive this”
Lori: “Sit back and relax, I’m an excellent driver.” (*Looks at Sam*) “I think it’s time for the bag”
Sam: (*Snorts*) “Yeah she is, She only almost hits other cars 5 or 6 times a day” (*Places a bag over Kellan’s head*)
Lori: “They need to pay better attention to me, It’s so not my fault they are in the lane I want to be in”
(*After being on the road for about 2 hours they pull over to refuel*)
Lori: (*Looks at Sam and grins*) “Fill her up with Regular Sammy… I’ll go take care of one of our shenanigans”
Kellan “Oh My God. Do NOT use regular, my baby need to be filled with premium only”.
Lori: “Gas is Gas and I am NOT paying 30 extra cents a gallon for gas. Dude, we’re in Illinois and their gas prices fucking suck!”
Kellan: “Geez Lori, I don’t care if it’s 50 cents extra use premium”
Lori: (*Looks at Sam*) “ Fill her up buttercup” (to Kellan) “Don’t think I won’t knock you out honey, keep the conversation fun and we’ll get along just great, I’ll even ask Jenny to give you a happy ending if you behave”
Kellan: “Please help me out here Sam, I’ll make worth your while”
Sam: “Jenny’s a bit of a prude and she loves Kiera – if she can’t perform that Happy Ending I’ll be all over it, Is that what you’re going for there Kellan?”
Lori: “You got it buttercup”
Kellan: (*sigh’s loudly*)
(Milkshake starts playing again – Lori answers her phone)
Lori: “Hi Jenny, what is it this time”?
Sam: “No way! That’s her AGAIN!!!!??”
Jenny: “I meant what I said Lori, you or Sam lay one hand on him, even unintentionally, and I will make you pay!!”
Lori: “I heard you the first ten times. Good Lord, why don’t you just grab yourself a drink and chill”
Sam: “Good god on a pogo stick that fucking Kellan alarm. She really needs to chill”
Lori: “Hear that? Sam said to chill”
Kellan: “Jenny, for fucks sake come and help me, I’m stuck in my Chevelle, with a bag over my head, 3 blow up dolls in the back, and two crazy women in the front – and Lori can’t drive!”
Jenny: “OMG! Kellan….I know they’re crazy, but they’re only thinking of me”
Sam: “We are NOT crazy, we are creative geniuses”
Lori: “Kellan, I won’t warn you again…..they’re our friends and they’ll hear you. And I only put that bag on your head because I was sick of hearing you criticize my mad driving skills”
Kellan: “That’s because you have the most awful driving skills of anyone I know and I swear I’m not going to make it to Chicago alive.”
Lori: “Shut it pretty boy…. You’ll get there just fine, don’t make me warn you again.”
Jenny: “Wait a minute….back up!! You put a bag over my Kellan’s head? Are you insane!! Take it off! You’ll ruin his hair! You can’t cover up THAT face! Ohmigod Lori, I’m scared. Kellan, I’ll be here for you – hang in there fictional love of my life”
Lori “It’s all good babycakes, you can trust me, Sam take the bag off Kellan’s head. Jenny’s getting testy”
Jenny: “Lori, you don’t fill me with confidence”
Sam: “Don’t worry Jenny, we got this!”
Jenny: “Sam! Lori! I’m warning you both..…”
Lori: “Oh sorry…what….what…….. you’re….bbbreakkkking up…..gotta go”
Jenny: “I mean it !!!!……keep your filthy paws off Kell…………………..!”
(Lori cuts her off)
Sam: “First rule of business in Chicago….disarm that fucking Kellan alarm – that shits gotta go!”
Lori: “You are so right… we need a code name for ole Kell here.” (*Looks Kellan and takes the bag off his head and smiles at him*) “You’re so cute, I think we’ll call you Bob.”
Kellan: “Bob? What the fuck Lori?”
Lori: “Yes Bob… B.O.B…. Bob… got it?”
Sam: (*laughing her ass off*) Bob? As in Battery operated Boyfriend? That’s a good one, I wonder if Jenny has a BOB named Kellan”?
Lori: (*giggles*) “I know right? I bet if she does it’s blue to match his eyes” (*starts giggling so hard she’s snorting*)
Kellan: *(*who is sitting there trying not to laugh*) “Fuck me.”
Sam: “Watch what you’re offering there handsome”
Lori: “Ah, my naughty librarian has decided to come out and play with *ahem* Bob I see”
Kellan: (*is actually chuckling at Sam and Lori now*) “Lori do you always run your mouth like this?”
Sam: “Yep she does, she’s never ending. The girl has one hell of a dirty mind”
Lori: (*Points to herself*) “Who me? I’m sweet as pie and innocent! You would so see that Kel *cough* I mean Bob if you would have just taken Sam and I up on our first offer”
Kellan: “I thought you were joking.”
Sam: “I never joke about slumber parties that include a smoking hot guy like you Bob.”
Lori (giggles) “I can’t get over the fact that I have officially named him after a vibrator, Jenny is going to love this… but crap, we can’t tell her or she’ll know that we broke her… “insert his real name here”…. Alarm”
Kellan: “I swear you’re like a female version of Griff”
Lori: (*Smiles at Kellan*) “Why thanks Kel… umm I mean Bob”
Kellan: “Please just let me drive. I’ll even let you sit up front”
Lori: “You keep talking sweet stuff and try and bribe me”
Sam: “Nice one! But, I wonder how long it will be before you forget his new name and Jenny starts calling again?”
Lori: “Let’s test out the alarm… now that we’re no longer calling him by his real name let’s see what we can get away with.”
Sam : “I’m down with that.”
Lori and Sam each run a finger down Kellan’s arms as Lori’s cell starts playing Milkshake again
Lori: “Damn her alarm is good” (*Says sweetly into the phone*) “What can I do for you babycakes?”
Jenny: “I’m sitting in a bar in Chicago, I’m lonely and I want my Kellan present. NOW! Drive fast and don’t touch him! You all know Kellan is off limits, there’s not even a friends clause in that contract!”
Lori: “Gotcha! I’ll step on the gas”
Jenny: “Drive fast – see you soon”
Kellan: “Do NOT step on the gas!!!
Lori: “Yeah, yeah whatever.”
Lori floors it and arrives in Chicago a short while later where she has delivered a still in one piece Kellan to a very excited Jenny who finally gets to cop her feel!
**Characters of Kellan and Griffin used by kind permission from S.C. Stephens (be sure to check out Kellan Kyle in Thoughtless and Effortless books # 1 and #2 from the “Thoughtless” series – Book #3 Reckless To Be Released 5th March). Thank you so much for your help with this SC. As always you are a dream to work with! **
*** Thanks to Sam Baer for your help and input in all this craziness…..you’re all kinds of crazy and we LOVE it!! Xx ***
****Big HUGE thanks to Renae Porter for all your help creating these amazing pictures. You’re a doll and we adore you!! (it’s the new haircut!) Xx ****
***** And to Generous Gitte, Luscious Leanne and Ho-Larious Mollie – You ladies R O C K – love you crazy girls!!!